By: Surjit Flora
When I was 15, I lost my father. But when I was 4, he moved to Canada to make a better life for his family. Even though it’s been 34 years since I lost him, it’s still strange. I feel like it was all a bad dream every time I wake up. It takes me a while to get used to the idea that he’s gone.
I vaguely recall a few instances, more like a few pictures, but other than that, I have no real memory of him. I had a wonderful upbringing, never missing out on anything, and received almost all I desired for. Until I was in my early teen years, the fact that I didn’t have a father didn’t bother me at all. That’s when I realized that I had been deprived of the affection and guidance of a father as a child. I have no idea what it’s like to have a father.
It’s not impossible to come to terms with the loss of one’s father. My father is always on my mind. The memory of him is never far from my thoughts. It brings me to my knees, but it also gives me the courage to keep going.
To become the person dad envisioned myself becoming. In order to carry out his instructions. I didn’t shed many tears when he died. It was unexpected. It was excruciating. It was difficult, though, since I had two younger siblings and 3 older a widowed mother.
I keep thinking of the things my dad tells me all the time. The fact is, he is not completely gone. He is a part of my DNA, my blood, and my thoughts. All of our ancestors are present in our present lives. On this planet, I have his image. So, I need to get my act together and do what he would want me to do.
I didn’t laugh or feel any emotions for the first several months. That’s how I felt it was best to do it. I began to chuckle automatically after a few months, when someone made a joke. I used to feel remorseful, but now I don’t. When I was younger, I used to have this opinion. Am I any good at being a son at all? I’m laughing at a ridiculous joke when my father is no longer here.
The realization that dad wouldn’t want me to be miserable took some time, but the aid of friends and family helped me get there. Especially the writing ! Laughter, joy, and moving on in life are all things he will desire for me. I won’t forget him just because I’m moving on. It’s impossible. He’ll always be a part of me. He’ll be our compass. Someone who would lift me out of the pit of despair. I’ll be ready when I’m able. He may rest well knowing that.
My father died a long time ago. A 48-year-old man in good health. A heart attack of epic proportions. It’s done. He’s gone in a flash.
As many times as I’ve heard of someone’s father dying, I never expected it to be my own father. He was a wonderful human being. He came from a typical household and worked hard throughout his life to provide for us.
Regardless of how hard we try; we’ll never get over it. Memorize the excellent moments we shared. We are all here for a reason and for a certain amount of time. One must go when the time comes. It’s all in the hands of the universe. I’m no longer terrified of death since I know I’ll see my dad in heaven. Love and enjoy my time on this planet while I can. For the sake of my family, my kids and wife.
But still so many times I can’t help thinking it was here that my dad was taken away from us. When I miss him, I want someone to hold me, give me a hug. And when I see how everyone simply dotes on their dads, gives them gifts on Father’s Day, wishes them a long, happy life, I want to do the same– but to whom can I give my Father’s Day gift and card to? Where can I get a warm loving hug, a kiss?
And it hurts, that life is so short, all too short, and the ones we love and who sacrificed so much for us are taken away from us so very early. So early, in fact, that we couldn’t even get round to telling them how much we love them.
But I guess they are the ones whom even God loves so very much.
